I saunter along the banks of some dark boundless ocean in the multiverse that is my mind. The gentle undulating waves that once lulled me into the depths of its waters, now burble to spur me back…


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I am British and Therefore Superior So I Only Get My News From the BBC

Why the British Broadcasting Corporation is the only news outlet you need

Firstly, I am naturally superior to you. It’s the accent. Don’t question this — Benedict Cumberbatch’s dulcet tones have proven this to be unarguably true.

Observe him on one of those ghastly American chat shows, and you will clearly see how his wondrous voice hypnotizes the host and other guests. They are rendered powerless in the face of his self-deprecating charm, and the way he correctly enunciates every word.

Indeed, if we could see into the homes of the people viewing the show, we would also observe how they too had fallen under his siren song. Like the host, they are paralyzed by that voice and are not only forced to face their own inadequacies but also probably realize that independence was a historical folly.

America gave up being ruled by people who speak like Mr Cumberbatch in return for equal voting right and fairer taxation? Much like the populations of India or Australia, I am certain the denizens of the US have seen what a catastrophic mistake this was.

Economic power is one thing, but what does that count for unless your leaders sound as if they wandered in from the pages of a Jane Austen novel? However, we can’t take you back now — we have other things to worry about, like trying to figure out what 5G is, and whether we’ll get another season of ‘Downton Abbey.’ Your loss.

It goes without saying that we ALL speak like Benedict in the UK. Every single one of us. Which makes us superior. I’m certain there have even been scientific tests carried out that prove this. No more needs to be said.

Secondly, being British, I get all my news from the BBC. No other media is required.

The BBC is peerless. Once more, it’s the accent, you know. It doesn’t matter what they say as long as it is done so with Received Pronunciation. That voice renders everything intelligent and believable. It’s science.

The more ‘woke’ among us would have you believe that the BBC is not as politically impartial as…

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